What happens once you’ve hit rock bottom? Make your way back up, obviously.
I haven’t blogged in a long time. It’s always been so hard for me to do something continuously, on a standardized basis. Maybe this time I’ll actually continue this, but then again, probably not.
I’ve never been one for self-reflections because I’ve always felt that the “reflections” were biased. Even though we often acknowledge our flaws, it’s in our nature to see what we want to see. We criticize and look back only on those events that we consciously choose to remember because in reality, none of us can really see events happening as another. We reflect on situations on how they appear to us, not to a third person. What’s the use then, of dwelling on things past. Predicament: How very hypocritical of me to be doing just that today: reflecting back.
I’ve changed a lot in the past year.
In a single year I lost 3 people very close to me and another attempt to fall, watched as 1 underwent major surgery, learned the true meaning of infidelity, tested the strength of a relationship and watched it fail, burned bridges that have been built over many years, found the absolute love of my life reaching euphoria only to lose him within a week, watched the most important person in my life consciously run away from me, started a job that most would kill for, and met two people who will, I’m very sure, remain in my life for years to come.
Just looking at these events makes me feel as if I really should be in a bad place. I was, for a very large part of this year, but I’m not anymore. I wouldn’t say that I’m a stronger person, because I think that inside, I’m still crumbling. But I’ve learned to move on. People always told me ‘you just have to move on’, but I never actually knew how until this year. Moving on isn’t forgetting, it’s understanding that what’s done is done, and choosing to continue living. Life waits for no one, so why should we?
I’m confident for the first time. Truly confident, not the ‘Im a good cook, for sure!’ confident. In other words, i know what I’m worth. When I lost him, I was beside myself thinking about what I had done and what I needed to do. It hit me some time later that it wasn’t me. I gave everything I had, laid it all out on the line, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough for him, but it’s more than enough for me. I thought that I would hate him and despise him for a decade of hurt. But I don’t. I’m actually very thankful for him. He’s changed my life in such a profound way, in a way that he’ll never know. I am who I am today because of him. I’m glad that he’s still in my life even though I know he’s leaving soon. But I’m thankful…truly and with my entire heart.
And to that person who is lifting me up, and has been for the past month, thank you. I truly love you for everything you’ve done. You are an amazing person, and more important to me than I even know. It is because of you that I’m okay and standing today. You make me want to be better, and you help me to understand that I can be better. You push me, and I can only hope that I push you back.